


Too Much of His Father's Heart

by LetsWookiesWin (Ravenhoot)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, slightly canon divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 04:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16758142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenhoot/pseuds/LetsWookiesWin
Summary: TheMillennium Falcon.Kylo never thought he would ever see that ship again.Kylo walked down the corridor and into the main hold. It looked exactly the same as it had when he’d been a child. The Dejarik table looked like it was still operational. Kylo flipped the switch that turned it on.Fuzzball’s probably happy about that,Kylo thought.And probably still plays the same moves, even though he loses every time.He walked back up the corridor and into the cockpit. That tiny area held immense traces of his father – some so strong, Kylo felt like they were physically pressing in on him. He suddenly felt compelled to remove his helmet and gloves;  he needed to see and touch the control panel of the ship that was so much of his childhood home without interference. He tossed them into an empty seat and looked around the cockpit with an unobstructed view. He abruptly had to reach out and hold one of the headrests as a flood of memories and emotions hit him like a tidal waveld.





	Too Much of His Father's Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Just making sure you're not blindsided - this does include the scene from the film where Han dies. This fic includes a mostly-canon version of Han's death scene. It breaks my heart to write it, but I do feel that it's important for Ben's story arc. But it **did** break my heart to write. Han was my favorite.

“Sir! We’ve located the intruders’ ship!”

Kylo Ren gave a slight nod that he’d heard the trooper’s report, only mildly interested. He’d told them to notify him of any developments, but an empty ship wasn’t interesting. He had to find that girl before the Rebels did.

“It’s a Corellian YT-1300 freighter,” the trooper added.

Ren’s head snapped up – the trooper suddenly had his full attention.

“ _Where?”_ Kylo hissed.

“On the cliff, sir,” the trooper answered. “I’ve dispatched a squad to check it out.”

“Belay that order, Commander,” Kylo demanded.

“Err, yes sir,” the trooper obeyed dubiously. He pressed a button near his wrist to activate his comm device. “Squad 239, stand down and await further instructions as ordered by Lord Ren.”

“Very good, Commander,” Kylo said. “Now find those Rebels. I want them _all_ alive… except the traitor FN-2187. Him, you can kill.”

The trooper snapped to attention and saluted as Kylo left the room, just as General Hux was entering.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Hux snapped at Ren.

Kylo did not answer aloud; he simply thrust his fist out and used the Force to sling Hux against the wall.

 _I shouldn’t have done that_ , Kylo thought. _I’ll have to pay for that later._

He struggled to maintain control of his thoughts as he mounted a snow speeder and navigated it to where the trooper told him the ship was docked. He emerged from a clearing of trees and saw it.

The _Millennium Falcon._ Kylo never thought he would ever see that ship again.

The squad of stormtroopers was lingering about 25 yards from the ship, awaiting the approval to enter and sweep it for enemies and weapons. Despite wearing helmets that obscured their faces, the body language of several troopers indicated their surprise at seeing Kylo himself coming to inspect the spacecraft.

Kylo dismounted the speeder and approached the boarding ramp. One brave trooper held his hand out and said, “Sir, with all due respect, let us clear the ship first. We don’t know what’s in there…”

Kylo’s instinct was to fling the trooper into the tree line like he’d done with Hux moments before, but he restrained himself. He rounded on the trooper and said, painstakingly slowly, “No one… enters this ship… except me. Is that clear?” Kylo didn’t bother to tell the idiotic trooper that he could already sense through the Force that there were no life forms inside the ship.

“Y-yes, sir,” the trooper stammered as he backed up, rejoining his squadron.

Kylo ascended the boarding ramp with four long strides. He placed a gloved hand against the bulkhead and glanced at the corridor ahead of him, leading into the main hold. The ship certainly looked more derelict than it had the last time he’d seen it. As much as he hated to admit it, it almost made him sad to see the state of it. True, he had never seen the _Falcon_ in all of her glory, but when he was a boy, she at least looked habitable. Now, she looked like she’d been sitting in a junkyard for the better part of 15 years.

Kylo walked down the corridor and into the main hold. It looked exactly the same as it had when he’d been a child. The Dejarik table looked like it was still operational. Kylo flipped the switch that turned it on.

 _Fuzzball’s probably happy about that_ , Kylo thought. _And probably still plays the same moves, even though he loses every time._

He walked back up the corridor and into the cockpit. That tiny area held immense traces of his father – some so strong, Kylo felt like they were physically pressing in on him. He suddenly felt compelled to remove his helmet and gloves; he needed to see and touch the control panel of the ship that was so much of his childhood home without interference. He tossed them into an empty seat and looked around the cockpit with an unobstructed view. He abruptly had to reach out and hold one of the headrests as a flood of memories and emotions hit him like a tidal wave.

_Kylo was an adolescent boy, what felt like a lifetime ago when he’d been known by another name, shortly before his mother had sent him to train with Luke. When he'd held his head high after being introduced as Ben Solo - son of both royalty and a decorated war hero. He was in the gunner’s seat, headset in place as he swiveled around lining up shot after shot based on his father’s coordinates. He never missed a single one. When he’d dispatched the final TIE fighter, he’d whooped and hollered and climbed up the ladder just in time to see his father and the Wookie racing down the cockpit corridor beaming at him._

_*_

The scene changed. _Ben was younger, perhaps 9 or 10, begrudgingly sitting on the med-bay bunk while his mother applied bacta to a blaster wound on his bicep. Ben kept struggling to get away so that he could get back up to the cockpit. Finally, Leia had grown frustrated with his noncompliance and threatened to get his uncle if he didn’t behave. He persisted in wriggling about and moments later, he was enveloped in furry brown arms holding him in place while Leia finished applying the bacta. Ben heaved a sigh of contempt and muttered something that sounded like, "Supposed to be on my side, Uncle Chewie..."_

_*_

The scene changed again _. This time, he was younger still – about 7. Ben was frustrated. He, Chewie, and his father were down in a spare cargo hold, which Han had transformed into a makeshift firing range. The practice blaster had air cartridges instead of laser, so they were safe for target shooting while aboard a spacecraft. There were several targets set up and the one in the middle had several blaster holes peppering the edges, but none in the bullseye._

_“Dad, this is stupid! Why do I even have to do this when Uncle Luke makes me train with the lightsaber?”_

_“Because you can’t rely on one weapon to be there every time. Versatility could save your life. Same reason Chewie's been teaching you to use his Bowcaster. And I know your Uncle Luke holds a lot of faith in those ancient weapons… but—”_

_“They’re no match for a good blaster at your side,” Ben finished. “I know, Dad. You say that all the time.”_

_Han smiled down at his son. “Alright, c’mon, try it again. Relax your shoulders and remember to breathe. Fire on your exhale.”_

_Ben followed his father’s instructions and the next shot went through the center of the target’s bullseye._

_*_

Another shift. _Even younger, no more than 4, Ben was sitting in his father’s lap in the pilot’s chair. Chewbacca was in the co-pilot’s seat. They were plotting a course for hyperdrive and Ben wanted to “push the button.”_

_“It’s not a button, kiddo. It’s more of a lever. Well, you’ll see,” Han said. He nodded to Chewie. The Wookie placed his massive paw over the boy’s tiny hand and positioned it over the hyperdrive controls. “Punch it, Chewie,” Han said with a grin. Chewbacca pushed Ben’s little hand forward and smiled at the boy’s delighted shriek as the stars elongated and the ship leaped from realspace into hyperspace._

Kylo brushed his fingers over the hyperdrive controls. The image of Han and Chewie’s bemused expressions from the memory lingered in his mind.

 _How did it come to this?_ He thought. He tried to piece together how those two very different lives – the ones from the memories on this ship and the one he was living now – could possibly belong to the same person. He slammed his fist on the console in frustration. A holodisk recording began playing – there was no audio and it was probably just one of the many security recordings the ship automatically documented whenever the boarding ramp was lowered.

Kylo watched in the recording as Han climbed the ramp, tenderly holding a tiny bundle with a mop of black hair. Ben couldn’t have been more than six months old in the holorecording. Han brushed a wisp of hair from the baby’s face as the infant nestled closer to his father’s chest. Chewbacca approached and smiled at his friend and if Kylo’s lip reading was accurate, Han had said, “He’s so tiny, Chewie.” 

Kylo slammed his fist down on the console again and the recording vanished. He rested his elbows on the console and hung his head in his hands. Despite all of his insistence to the Supreme Leader that his father meant nothing to him, he wasn’t so certain. The Supreme Leader had spent years conditioning Kylo so that the only memories of his parents he had left were those of abandonment – his father leaving him for smuggling missions and his mother being too busy with the New Republic to have time for him. Being on this ship and having those images of his childhood (were they memories? They had to be...) resurface made him question what the Supreme Leader had made him believe to be the truth. 

He could feel his frustration and resentment growing (but who the resentment was directed towards, he wasn’t sure). He reached for his lightsaber and almost ignited it, to strike out and release his anger, but he held his finger over the ignition button and couldn’t bring himself to mangle the console of his father’s beloved ship. He didn't ask for any of this. He hadn't wanted to be leader of the Knights of Ren, descendant of Darth Vader. All he'd wanted to be was someone his parents and uncles - who'd achieved such greatness and become legendary heroes - could be proud of. He'd just wanted to be...

"Ben Solo," Kylo whispered to no one. He looked around the cockpit once more and sighed. 

He reattached the saber to his belt and retrieved his helmet and gloves. When he descended the boarding ramp, he was once again awash in black from head to toe. The squad of stormtroopers still remained by the tree line.

“Get back to the base,” Kylo ordered. “The ship is clean.”

The troopers hastened to follow his orders. Kylo leapt onto the snow speeder and rode back to the Starkiller Base… intent on avoiding Han Solo at all costs, even if it meant letting the girl escape. He could get her back later. But if he encountered his father, Supreme Leader had explicit expectations for what must be done, and Kylo doubted very much that he would be able to do it.

***********

 _He’s here_ , Kylo thought. He’d already glimpsed the Wookie, so he knew his father was close by. He hastened to the bridge, eager to get out of the oscillator and continue searching for the girl. There was something about her that he hadn’t quite figured out yet, but he knew she was important somehow.

If he hadn’t been so distracted, he would have realized he was mere feet from his father moments ago, but such was his haste to get out of that place that it slipped his notice. He was halfway across the bridge when he heard his father’s voice ring out, loud and echoing in the cavernous oscillator.

“BEN!”

 _No, no, no!_ Kylo thought. _Why didn’t you just finish setting your charges and get out?!_

He turned after he heard his father’s footsteps on the bridge. The Supreme Leader’s orders still resounded in his head. Perhaps if he was cold and heartless enough, he could convince his father that he truly belonged to the Dark and he would just give up and leave…

“Han Solo… I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”

“Take off that mask. You don’t need it.”

 _Yes, I do._ Kylo thought. The mask allowed him to portray his cold indifference. The Supreme Leader was constantly saying that Ren had too much of his father in him. He was determined to prove the Supreme Leader wrong.

"What do you think you'll see if I do?"

“The face of my son,” Han said.

Almost against his own will, Kylo removed his mask. He and his father both realized simultaneously that it was the first time Han had seen his son as a man.

_Cold and heartless._

“Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish… like his father. So I destroyed him,” Kylo declared, not meeting his father’s eyes.

“That’s what Snoke wants you to believe but it’s not true. My son is alive,” Han insisted.

Kylo sensed eyes watching them. A quick glance upward revealed Chewbacca and further up, the traitor FN-2187 and the girl.

“No,” Kylo asserted. “Supreme Leader is wise.”

Han took several steps closer. Kylo’s heart hammered in his chest.

“Snoke is using you for your power,” Han said. “When he gets what he wants, he’ll crush you. You know it’s true.”

Kylo does know it. How many times had Snoke commented that Ren was destined to be the most powerful of all, that the blood of Darth Vader flowed through his veins? He’d often wondered if he’d borne no relation to Vader if Snoke would have even taken an interest in him at all.

“It’s too late,” Kylo said unintentionally.

Han took another step toward him. “No, it’s not. Leave here with me. Come home… We miss you.”

 _We_? Somehow, Kylo didn’t think his father meant himself and Chewbacca, although the Wookie was practically family. So that must have meant… _My mother_. Kylo was truly conflicted. Unwillingly, he felt his eyes brim with tears. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried.

“I’m being torn apart,” he admitted with a waiver to his voice. “I want to be free of this pain.”

He didn’t know why he was telling his father this. When Snoke found out, he would have him brutally punished.

“I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it,” Kylo continued. “Will you help me?” In that moment, he didn’t know what he was going to do. He truly did believe it was too late for him to go home but he also knew he couldn’t bring himself to kill his own father.

“Yes,” Han said automatically. “Anything.”

He unclasped his lightsaber from his belt and held it out. Han grasped it and for a moment, both Solo men held the lightsaber firmly. Kylo locked eyes with his father and didn’t know how he was going to do what must be done.

_I should never have gone on that damn ship!_

He was seconds from releasing his grasp on the weapon when suddenly, it ignited, piercing his father with its crimson blade of light. Kylo drew a sharp intake of breath and clutched the saber, deactivating it immediately. But the damage was done. His father reached up and placed a gentle hand on his face.

Inside, he was screaming, cursing the old fool for pressing the kriffing switch, but outside, Kylo Ren forced himself to remain cold and heartless.

“Thank you,” he murmured quietly as his father fell into the depths of the oscillator. He continued to watch long after he couldn’t make out his father’s figure any longer. He vaguely heard a roaring howl of anguish and had just enough time to remember that Chewie was on the upper level. He would have seen everything.

_Chewie! Wait! I didn’t—_

Kylo doubled over as white-hot pain pierced his side. The Wookie had shot him with his Bowcaster. When he glanced up, the girl and the traitor were gone. He felt a wave of pain that clenched his heart and squeezed. Grief. Sorrow. Anguish. They were the kinds of pain that no weapon could inflict yet they could cause so much more damage. It pulled at him and he had the feeling that whoever that pain originated from, they were connected. 

Kylo was having trouble focusing. _The girl..._ Yes, he needed to find the girl. She had raw, untapped power and he could help her harness it. Together, they could be unstoppable. He looked down at the seemingly unending oscillator shaft again and saw his father falling.... falling. _What have I done?_ His vision was blurry and his head pounded. _The girl_... He knew she would be with FN-2187 and she likely wouldn't come willingly, still believing he intended to harm her. More than likely, he was going to have to fight her... and possibly the traitor as well. He had to get his mind back to the present and find his rage. 

_Fear, anger, hate, suffering. The dark side are they_. That was what Uncle Luke had learned from Master Yoda.

Kylo was afraid of Snoke. He was angry at his father for taking his choice away from him (even though it was a choice he knew he wouldn’t have been able to make). He hated the traitor FN-2187. And suffering… suffering was a form of pain. Kylo pounded his fist against the wound from Chewie’s Bowcaster. Every strike made his rage boil and grow. He bound out into the forest to find the girl.

*************

It had been all for nothing. The girl got away. The traitor might have survived, Kylo wasn’t sure. He never saw Chewie again, so he wasn’t sure what happened to him, but it was safe to assume he’d piloted the _Falcon_ off the Starkiller Base before it had been obliterated. And Han Solo was dead. 

Kylo sat in his meager quarters of the _Supremacy_ while a droid tended to his wounds. He thought about all that had been lost in a matter of hours. The image of him sitting on his father’s lap in the cockpit of the _Millennium Falcon_ swam to the front of his vision and he held his head in his hands. Suddenly, the same pain he’d felt on the bridge of the oscillator washed over him again, squeezing his heart and throbbing. He reached out with the Force and sensed sorrow and grief. He sensed his mother.

And suddenly he lost control. He shouted at the droid, ordering it out. He threw the tray of medical utensils across the room and screamed until his throat was raw. His eyes prickled and stung. He squeezed them shut and willed himself not to cry. Kylo Ren didn't cry. He didn't realize he'd been holding his breath until he choked out a sob of remorse and despair and then he couldn't get his breathing back under control. His chest rose and fell rapidly as he took shallow, rapid breaths and tried not to let himself hyperventilate. The first tear leaked from the corner of his eye and he succumbed to his own guilt-ridden grief. Kylo Ren didn't cry... but Ben Solo did.

_Forgive me, mother. Please, forgive me._

Lightyears away, Leia felt her son’s anguish and wept.

**Author's Note:**

> I truly 100% believe Han ignited that lightsaber. Change my mind.


End file.
